I want to say that I didn’t see the outcome coming. Throw the ‘but I am naive’ card but I can’t. If ever I dreamed something true it would be the dark fingertips hue Peggy snapped my way during a most wretched of Winter colds..ugh..finally on the mend from that sucker puncher. I thought my spirit had braced itself with strong armor of prayers and heart. She did not see a 43 year old woman of light and love coming at her, she saw the little girl who would run off the plane and smack dab into her drama. I went as grounded as could possibly be and the woman knocked me on my fucking ass in her prideful bitch way, the desert wind storm stirred a fever that forced me once in for all to lay my shit down with her. I so tried. I really tried.
I snapped and panicked on her when I realized my spirit broke. I could not find one deity in prayer- I was completely lost. The desert of all places began to reject me- sent me rushing home so fast I didn’t dare put any chi out towards it to get home. My system shut down. And maybe that is what needed to happen. I tearfully handed back her sword of Sorrow because I refuse to carry it around any longer. I have more than survived Bill & Peggy. I thought standing up to him was the scariest to do but in truth it was her I didn’t really want to lose. So, to get out of the truck four hours earlier at the airport, stand tall, and quietly walk away damn near killed me. My life with these two has always been a back and forth. But now I am rooted in the south. That is the best thing for my spirit. My knees wanted to buckle but I let Chad’s Dad’s prayer before I left whisper in my ear…I kept going forward. I lost my parents back in 1973. I am proud to say I was raised by many and that many is who shaped the woman I am today. I have had some amazing examples of women and men alike that formed the mother in me.
Two days later I was in my doctor’s office in super recon-health mode. I don’t know if I should be worried I bottomed out or proud that I faced my fear of rejection and in the end rejected the negative despite the intense heart-break. My face was so red from war the flight attendant wanted to hug me. I made it through security with a pony-tail check. And the man couldn’t stomach my story while I cried IN PUBLIC on the phone. I lost track of time.
You need to know this is not about some childhood crap-for they are the ones that hold on to that mess- it is about who we are as adults. I bitch about this all the time because I am forever amazed at how hard some make adulting myself included. By the time we made it to NM I knew I was going down and all my couthe was going to fly out the window. I tempted fate by wearing my ‘transcend the bullshit’ tee and taking my yoga/meditation to the porch. I tried to let my light out but fuck if all that woman did keep darkening it with her ever growing narcissistic self.
I have spent so much time wallowing in fear of being rejected that I isolate myself. In the end the only person doing any rejection is me of myself. I allowed two idiots to dictate how I perceived relationships and the like when neither of them appreciate a damn thing around them. We make choices daily in our character, our spirit, and how mindful we are towards others. When the cracks open and you find yourself lost- you have to know to get the fuck out of there. It saddens me to know that I couldn’t make the relationship with either parent work, that I will spend a good bit of time in therapy just to reconcile the loss in the walking dead. But I have come to far, dealt with too much, and stood back up to allow myself to dirty my lungs any longer in the wind storm.
I think it is going to take me a minute to wrap my head around my faith being shaken to such a core. I am on the mend. I weathered Hurricane Bill and Desert Wind Storm Peggy. My Monday started in thanks with the sun hitting my bare back…it will end with gratitude. I manage to do the impossible- stand up to Peggy…and live to tell about it.
It feels good to be done. Bring on Spring, lighten your dinner plate and move, dance, turn the music up, build each up, and laugh people. Laugh.
Ps. My skin is 80% restored…Bless it. And there are still some necks to hug now that I am home. #blessed
The Ramblings of an Aging Woman... 